A New Day

God is still good. Last night I felt sick and started panicking that I wouldn’t be able to start chemo on time because of it. I went to bed at 7:30 and feel fine now. I’m so grateful for the healing and for the lifestyle that I can do that and it’s not even a blip on the radar. The kids were in bed, Yaacov was home with video games to entertain him, etc. I can’t imagine going through this with a job outside the house or as a single mom.

One reason I went “public” on Facebook yesterday was because I was already sort of depressed and wanted to get it out of the way. I was skeptical that those who aren’t close enough to me to know already would really care. But the outpouring of love and messages from old friends and even strangers has been really encouraging.

I had a sort of daydream (I can’t say it was a vision from God, but it was definitely filled with love that only He is responsible for). I was in the front yard with Abigail, having a “dance party”. We have them all the time where we blast the music and mostly spin around and laugh. Anyway, it was the two of us holding hands and spinning, the wind was in our hair and she was smiling with those huge cheeks. Then suddenly I looked over, and the whole yard was filled with people who love us. We were all dancing together with joy because of God’s great love. We’re going to have that dance party when He heals me.

Abi just caught me crying as I finished up this post. She said, “Why are you crying?” I told her it’s because God is so good. She wisely responded, “Well, whenever you want to cry about something you should just sing, ‘God is so good’ instead”. I think I’ll try that today.

Pics from the other day

Posted by PicasaThis is Yaacov and me from the pics we took the other day.

Just Abigail, almost 4 years old, in her homemade glasses.

Precious Naomi and me, almost 8 months old.

This is Yaacov and me with the girls, my mom, and my brother Ben.

Thanks to all who are reading this story and praying for us. I pray for you all as well, and hope God blesses you abundantly for your dedication.

Day 11

I lost some of my happy, positive energy today. I still have so much to be thankful for though. Maybe even more than usual. The girls have been completely precious and so many people have reached out in extraordinary ways. I can’t write about them just yet. I guess it’s just becoming more real now. I still know God can heal me, but I was hoping it would be yesterday or at lunchtime today. Now it seems I’m going to have to face at least some of it. But God said, “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2.

Contacts

One more thing. I had Susan send out an email on my behalf and that included a request to not call us because we were getting overwhelmed. But as I was writing the last page I started thinking there might be a person or people who read this sooner or later who need support too. It would be an amazing opportunity to be able to help someone like that, whether they’re going through something like this or even bent out of shape about this challenge. So if anyone reads this and needs anything, please contact me. Put a note in the comments or send a note to our new email, healingforerin@gmail.com, and we’ll set up a time to talk. I’m really sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings by not wanting to hear from people.

So many awesome things!

Psalm 89:1-2 “I will always sing about the Lord’s love; I will tell of His loyalty from now on. i will say, ‘your love continues forever, your loyalty goes on and on like the sky’.”

Every second of this day is getting better, I can’t even handle it! God is so good to me. Who am I that He would comfort me and give me hope? That He would hear my cries and wipe the tears before I have a chance to ask? The answer is no one. I’ve never led anyone to Him. I’ve never sacrificed anything that mattered. But He loves me anyway. In fact, the word says He has no favorites. Meaning that He loves me as much as someone who’s spent her life dedicated to serving Him. As much as King David, Paul, or Mother Theresa. He certainly loves me as much as Hezekiah, who He granted 15 extra years of life just because he asked. And He loves my children enough that He will have mercy on them for my sake. Glory be to God, the author of this and every story!

Anyway, church was good, but I was distracted for most of the day because I can feel my milk is drying up. As much as I try to be positive, it is a very real and painful experience. I know I will never nurse a child again. Most importantly, I will never nurse Naomi again. I wanted to cry. Really to sob and writhe around on the floor in self-pity, screaming to this invisible God who would be so heartless as to require this sacrifice. It made me feel unneeded too, which is hard to face because the basis of my desire to be healed is to raise the children I claim need me so much. It was a struggle to snap out of the funk, and to (attempt to) focus on God and the fact that He weaned her for a reason. Just days ago I felt weaning her was a blessing, and I was viewing it differently suddenly. Then–get this–He blessed me again! Instead of making me feel like a piece of junk for having the selfish thoughts in the first place, He comforted and answered me like only He can. When I got home from fellowship group she woke up and started crying. She would not go back to sleep until I held her. She was quiet the instant I grabbed her, and when I tried to put her down prematurely she cried again. So I walked her and rocked her (okay, and smelled her sweet little head), while she held onto me with those fat baby arms. As she fell asleep on my chest she made the happy baby sounds that confirmed little Naomi loves and needs me.

In Genesis 18, Abraham pleaded with God to save the evil city of Sodom for the sake of as few as 10 righteous men He would find there. God promised to save the city for the sake of those, it just happened that there weren’t 10 righteous people there so Sodom had to go. But I see the story with a parallel to us. If I’m the evil (or at least unrighteous) city we will beg that God will spare me for the sake of the righteous (my children). And I do. Beg. Please, Lord. Have mercy on me for the sake of those innocent babies.

That isn’t all with the good news. Yaacov has a work connection who is related to someone who created an algorithm to determine the best treatment for breast cancer patients based on their symptoms/characteristics. She’s looking into where we could go in the vicinity to get it done. If not, we also figured out that Texas has the #1 ranked cancer center (although this is general, not specifically for breast metastatic), and somewhere in Texas is the algorithm guy, so maybe we can work that all out together. The best part of this is that we weren’t looking for info like that, but it all fell together. It’s so clear that every move I’ve ever made is to set me up for this experience. For those who don’t know, I was a researcher in my career, and have that personality now. I have extremely high standards for such matters, and won’t just accept some schmo’s advice to stand on my head while eating carrots because they talked to someone whose brother was cured by it. So a guy who invented a testable (hopefully tested of course), science-based algorithm that would direct my treatment and leave the guesswork out of if is another miracle to me.

I have more to say but don’t want to spend too long each night on the computer. I am so grateful that tomorrow will be a day of relaxation. I’ll spend it enjoying my girls and the world God created. It will be the first day spent without the company of adults since the diagnosis. I don’t think I was ready for that then. Hopefully I am now. But if not, I will actually reach out and find some company. We had fellowship group with just the women today, and it was so nice to sit back and chat, laugh, and breathe a little. They are amazing ladies and I pray that one day I can bless them the way they’ve blessed me.

Learning

I’m learning so much about what to do if someone else I know ever goes through something like this. The biggest is that no matter how close I am or am not to the person, it’s nice to reach out in some way. I’m trying so hard to stay positive, but am really bothered that I’m positive some old friends & acquaintances know what’s up and don’t care enough to even drop a line. It’s not like those people are important to me now, but it’s painful to know that they’d hear someone is dying and not care at all.
Same goes for the people pushing their ideas/beliefs on me. I get that they believe I should do what they would do. That doesn’t make it right for me though. And maybe I’m being sensitive, but right now it seems that if I don’t do it they’ll judge me, and if I die they’ll think it’s because I didn’t follow their advice. I’m praying about everything now and following God’s advice, not man’s. But I sure wish I didn’t have to juggle other people’s judgments and beliefs along with it.
Anyway, none of this matters. I need to focus on what’s important. Worshiping God and spending time with my loved ones. Getting the house cleaned is up there too. But regardless, Paul said in Galatians that he’s not trying to win the approval of men. One of my favorite verses has always been that, “if I were still trying to please men I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10). I will remember that the next time I lose focus and think this junk is important.
Now, I have found no verses about the filthy kitchen so better attend to that.

Good Things

I might be repeating a few good things I posted on other days, but I’ve been talking, texting, and thinking so much about everything that I can’t remember where I’ve put it. This seems like a good morning to start off  focusing on all the positive things going on.

One really cool thing from Thanksgiving was that I had recently decided to make a list of 1000 things I was thankful for. Then I upped it to 1 million, because God provides that many blessings. Anyway, there was this book in my car from my friend Shannon that I realized I’d never have time to read. So I returned it when I saw her and she said the gist of it is that you should write down 1000 things you’re grateful for!!!!! How cool is that? I swear I hadn’t read the back or even looked at the book, so it wasn’t some sort of delayed reaction. It was God being awesome. I started the list yesterday.

That night Naomi also started taking a bottle. Doesn’t sound huge but she’d barely eaten in days because she was confused about the weaning I’m forced to do, and she just would not take a bottle or sippy cup for more than a sip. Suddenly that night she took it like she loved bottles. Hasn’t stopped since. She’s so much happier now, I’m so very grateful.

I’m also glad for other things. I have so much peace and even some joy right now. God is going to be glorified through this, and it’s an honor to be a part of it. He is answering my prayers from long ago about doing something big for Him. And we have the chance to go to Mayo this week, and maybe something awesome will happen there. Naomi’s also been eating more table food, which is good, and Abigail is chipper and happy with all the people who keep showing up here. My mom and brother Ben arrived yesterday and we had some nice family time. Now we’re about to take family pictures, and everyone would normally groan about it. But I get to pull the cancer card and no one will dare complain about striking a pose. God is good.