Day 3

It’s a new day! I woke up feeling much more peaceful about my prospects. It’s Sunday so we went to church and everyone knew. I’m glad for the support but it’s still awkward for Yaacov and me. It felt like a funeral where I’d lost a loved one. But then I realized it was me we were all mourning. Ouch.

I’m encouraged that I read it’s pretty unlikely for the cancer to have spread already. That usually happens on the recurrence of breast cancer. We won’t know until after the PET scan though. Plus, I’ve been on the losing side of every other battle with this thing so far.

I have to remember that although everything changed, nothing really changed. I still love and trust God. He is still my Lord and Savior, and He is mightier than cancer. If He wants to, He will heal me. If He chooses not to, He has a reason and the wisdom behind it is beyond my comprehension. But it’s still a reason. The right reason, because God doesn’t make mistakes. “But as for me and my house, we will worship the Lord”, Joshua 24:15

1 Thess 5: 17-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

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Day 2…Living with Cancer…?

Tired. Is it the cancer or the stress? Had a nice day with the family today. I like the distraction. Now the girls are in bed and Yaacov is playing video games. I spent half an hour looking for matching Christmas pajamas for the family, and just looked up and saw the time. Then I realized: I’m DYING. Right now. Who knows how much longer I have to live, and I just spent thirty minutes of it messing around on the internet. I’m such a loser.

My dad showed up today. That was a huge surprise. We were at Costco and he called but I didn’t answer because I was driving. When we got home I saw flowers at the door with his business card. He was going to come from West Palm on Wednesday anyway, so he came up early and is staying the week. It’ll be good because he can watch Naomi while I’m having the PET scan Monday. But I’m still in shock. I don’t deal well with unplanned things. You know, like schedule changes. Or getting diagnosed with advanced, invasive breast cancer.

Cancer. Is this for real? Not just any cancer, but apparently stage 3 or 4. What was that shooting pain in my leg? Ow. Am I being paranoid or is my cough bad? It is only manageable when I’m on antibiotics then returns when I finish the pills. Lungs are one of the first places the idiot cancer cells move after breasts. Please, Lord, don’t let the cancer have spread. On a happier note, perhaps we’ll see that the lymph nodes don’t light up in the PET scan, which would be awesome. Imagine that, good news!

Before the diagnosis I determined this would be my life verse, so I guess that shouldn’t change now: Philippians 4:4-7, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and  your minds in Christ Jesus.”