Day 7

Yesterday was difficult. Met with local oncologist who we really liked. Unfortunately, he didn’t say anything contrary to the bad news we were aware of. I think it was extra hard for Yaacov because I hadn’t told him about the incurable part so he didn’t find out until Dr. Rassam told him. Then we went home and Yaacov told my dad, who also hadn’t known. Rough day all around. I’m praying that it’s the worst day of our lives.

The plan is to get a brain MRI Monday to see if it’s spread there. Wednesday is Mayo. We’re going to ask them and Neenad for advice on the best place in the country for treating stage 4 BC. Particularly because everyone is noting how unique my case is. In addition to being only 32 with advanced BC, the characteristics are unique to the few people who do get it at this age. I’m hoping that the uniqueness makes me a pet project to a genius oncologist who treats me exactly the way God wants, and I have a full recovery. I can’t wait for that day.

Anyway, Rassam said to call as soon as we leave Mayo, he’ll order the drugs they recommend, and we’ll be able to start 2 days after that. That’s next Friday or the following Monday. I never thought I’d be so excited to lose all my hair. Apparently with Stage 4, the goal is to prolong life rather than cure it, which somehow makes the surgery less important. In fact, the only reason to have it is so the cancer doesn’t grow outward and burst through my body. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Weaning Naomi has been incredibly difficult. It’s so unfair to her, and she’s so confused and heartbroken. However, we recognize God’s hand in it all, and when we really stop and pray (not just the quick kind you do in the middle of washing dishes), it improves. She took an ounce or so from a bottle before nap and has now slept for a few hours. She should be less distraught for Thanksgiving dinner.

We were still going to cook everything today, but at the last minute last night ran to Publix and got a bunch of premade sidedishes. The house is a mess too. But it has been so much more peaceful today. And I have never appreciated the meaning of “Thanksgiving” as much as I do today. My dad and father in law are here now, the Kent family is coming with their amazing kids, and Sarah and Abe from Yaacov’s work will be here too. So everyone has someone to support them. Mom and Ben are on their way but won’t be here for the meal. I am so grateful for the support and love from all these people. Last year when my book came out, a lot of people who I thought cared about me didn’t read or buy it. It wasn’t about the money, but the gesture. I felt like it really showed who my real friends were. But the truth is that sort of crap doesn’t matter. What matters is that people rally around you and your family for the important stuff.

This is the most encouraging verse I have found. And when I say, “found” I mean it–over the past few months I’ve been making notecards of verses I thought were important, and leaving them wherever I shove them while cleaning. Last night was the hardest of all, and Yaacov’s dad was talking my ear off about nonsense while I was just trying to figure out how to breathe. I said a little prayer for God’s help and went to look for something. Suddenly one of my notecards was sitting right there, with the best thing I could have heard or read right then. I don’t actually remember making it, or why I would have thought it applied to anything BC (before cancer). But it and the others I keep finding are directly applicable now. Glory be to God for this outpouring of love, peace and assurance!!!!

The verse is 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, “We have troubles all around us, but we are NOT defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do NOT give up the hope of the living. We are persecuted, but god does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes but we are NOT destroyed.

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