I’m freaking out about chemo and everything right now. I had a great weekend (I don’t think I mentioned yesterday that we had a dance party at church! In our pajamas!), and Yaacov and I just watched a movie, which is the first entertainment I’ve had since the diagnosis.
There were crummy parts to the weekend too and I’m having a hard time getting past them. We learned our Mayo visit won’t be covered by insurance, which is okay except that means Texas definitely wouldn’t be, and I thought we’d get into a clinical trial there. Even with massive fundraisers it wouldn’t be possible to pay out of pocket for all the treatment and whatnot to be done there. And I took off some of my bandages from the surgery and I literally have holes in my neck and chest. Anyone walking by can see them. This is seriously happening. I can feel the tube in my neck when I cough, and when I laugh it feels all gurgly. This is really happening. God can still heal me but it probably won’t be before chemo. Before an earth-sized dose of hell.
Abi asked me last night how many days until we go to heaven and meet God and Jesus.
We’ll be okay. Somehow. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” I guess I wish there was a due date in with that promise.