Today

Today was so weird. I felt like an outsider, looking in on all these poor, pathetic cancer patients. I was a hundred years younger than the spring chickens, and on some sick level I sort of look/ed at them like they deserve their cancer. Because clearly, once you’re old you don’t deserve to be healthy. I forced myself to  empathize and finally noticed they were sitting there pitying me. With “righteous indignation” I thought, “you don’t know I’m not really going through this. I’m going to be healed. I’m not one of you.” Then the nurse came over and switched my nausea medication for the real thing. And suddenly I was one of them.

As surely as I knew this would not happen, I stubbornly waited the entire 3 hours to be rescued. I envisioned this old man in a long white robe and long beard bursting through the doors and announcing there had been a mistake, mysterious paperwork came through that revealed I was actually healthy as a horse. In other scenarios, Dr. Rassam would quietly pull me aside, and with shame try to explain that the original, cancer-free, findings had been the accurate ones. I angelically decided I wouldn’t sue for the emotional distress I’d gone through with the recent nightmare.

I have to say I wasn’t rescued in that way today. My dad got on my case just for hoping for it.

I realize that people who do not have a relationship with God, or who knew me before I did, probably think it’s pretty crazy, or even stupid, for me to put all my trust and hope into Him healing me. Maybe you think my time would be served better trying to find a magical cure for the situation, or ruminating on all the would-be’s, could-be’s, and should-have-been’s. But it’s different once you know Christ, and I can say that because I’ve lived my life both ways. If you knew me before you probably thought I was pretty tough. But that was founded in faith in myself instead of someone infinitely smarter. When I was faced with adversity back then I depended on me to get through it. If I was incapable, I had to find someone to blame. In this case I would have been so angry. So out of sorts when doctors told me there was no hope for me. I would have alternated between a deep depression and seeking vengeance.

Now the world, doctors, and statistics tell me there is no hope for me, but the truth is that there was NEVER any hope for me without God. If you choose not to believe in Him, it doesn’t mean He’s not there. Just that you don’t receive the relief He offers. So I will keep on hoping and trusting in Him, just like I did before cancer. Because He’s always been the same. He knit me in my mother’s womb and knew my life story before I was ever born. I wish I knew the ending to it, but I will trust in Him for a beautiful end that serves its purposes.

To summarize, I will not give up hope of such a rescue, because Romans 15:13  says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

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13 thoughts on “Today

  1. Erin, this is so beautiful and I hope it will inspire non-believers. You inspire me every day and, although I don't know what your future holds either, I am CERTAIN our Heavenly father is working through you in a miraculous way for His glory!

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  2. I'm so glad that you know the living God! He will see you through this! And you will have many people around you helping/encouraging/cheering you along the way! I'm still praying daily for you and rounding up others to join in.

    2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

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  3. Erin

    When you beat this thing and I believe you will, you need to get these pages published. The story of your journey will give hope, inspiration and encouragement to all of those who are going through cancer as well.

    Kate Huber

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  4. I love your last paragraph…I'm using it as my face book status today! God has given you supernatural FAITH and it is a true inspiration to me. Looking to “things unseen” is difficult in trials…thank GOD He has let you have the courage to do that. May we all do that everyday, no matter our circumstance.

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  5. A friend of mine that goes to your church sent an e-mail out requesting prayers for you… and you look so familiar – maybe from WW Ballet (we go to church there also)?? One of my daughter's is in one of the classes on Wed. I can't imagine being faced with this – thank you for being so transparent and sharing your blog with everyone. We are praying for you and your family – for peace and strength as you go through this and for God to heal you from this cancer.

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  6. Wow. Your faith is indescribable. I am astonished and inspired by this story, and I believe God has miraculous things in store for you. Never let go of your love for him. I sincerely believe He will get you through this slight affliction in His plan, and don't ever lose your faith. I hope you don't mind being in a mere 13 year old's prayers, because you're in them now 🙂

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  7. I am friends with the McCants family, and Nic has asked everyone to pray for you. There lots of prayers and love coming your way from my family. I am praying the same prayer for you that I pray for my son everyday-“that the Holy Spirit surronds and washes over you-and that the Lord's angels guard and protect you.” May the healing hand of God be over you. Your faith is truly inspiring. Love and God bless you and your family.

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  8. I am a friend of a friend of a friend, and I am praying for you.

    Dear Heavenly Father, I praise You for who you are and what you have done. Today, we ask that you provide healing for Erin as she battles cancer. Please heal her completely and please surround her with love and support from friends and family. Please provide for their every need and please have your hand of protection and healing on them at all times. We need you, we love you, we thank you, God.

    Amen

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