Yesterday I called Abi’s school to tell them she was sick, and the woman who answered knew my story. She just finished chemo herself and encouraged me to, “fight, girl, fight!”. I hung up serenely, rejoicing that the joy of the Lord is my strength, and agreeing silently about how hard I’ll fight when it’s time..
I had no idea that time was about to start. Within minutes of hanging up the phone, it started. The nausea, the pain, dizziness and exhaustion. I could barely lift my head or open my eyes, let alone continue playing Super Mom. It was particularly difficult because Abi was so sick and needed her mommy to be 100%. Just when I needed reinforcements my dad showed up. I expected Abi’s doctor appointment to take hours but it was quick. Naomi was so amenable all day that I was able to cuddle and rest with Abigail. It would have been a tough day if I was healthy, because Abi was about as sick as she’s ever been. If I was even one degree sicker, or didn’t have people who could help there’s just no way I could have done it. I feel like I did okay with the mental part of the fight, but it leaves me wondering about the physical part. Does fighting mean you don’t let yourself rest, just drag yourself around the world? Or do I rest so I can do better the next day? Sleeping doesn’t seem like fighting, but it sure seemed like what I needed yesterday.
I guess I need to pray more about how to behave during these fights. I feel much better this morning, but part of the issue is it’s all so unpredictable, so I need to ready for war at all times. I might not have learned how to fight yesterday, but I remembered what I’m fighting for. The bittersweet moments with my amazing family. Laying down, nose to nose, with Abigail–her crazy curls strewn about and her stinky breath blowing warmly into my face is the ultimate victory for any fight. I will pray for countless more moments like that.
Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”