I’ve tried really hard not to focus on the vain aspects that go with cancer and chemo, but the time has come and I’m consumed by them. I pray for total, supernatural healing, but let’s face it, if God wants to sustain me for many years on chemo, that would still be an enormous blessing. Unfortunately, that would mean spending the rest of my life without hair. Or eyebrows. Or eyelashes. It’s all off-putting, but there’s something just so ridiculous about having no eyelashes during the crummiest part of your life. Eyelashes serve a purpose–to protect your eyes. Seriously, God? THIS is the time of my life that I don’t deserve an eyelash to direct my tears?!!
As I write I realize that this is all part of it. If cancer was easy it wouldn’t be an issue. But I got word that I do have the mutant jewish gene, BRCA1, that caused the cancer, and I will soon look like a mutant on the outside to match. Recommendations because of that gene are to have my ovaries and breasts removed (combined with the hormones this will make me look like a round ball), and of course I’ll be bald. I know I can still be beautiful on the inside, but who cares if I look like that gross bald monster from the Fantastic Four on the outside? And God definitely knows I don’t have the personality to pull off looking like that. I don’t have the personality to pull off looking like I do NOW!
As always, God is teaching me, growing me, stretching me. I know before even posting this that the answer about my tears is in various parts of the Bible. One example is that “The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.” Isaiah 25:8. I also know that He doesn’t want me to live in sackcloth and ashes, so I don’t need to be crying all the time. I need to be rejoicing about the amazing things He has done and will be doing in my life and in yours.So, I’m going to take off my sackcloth now and stop mourning for myself. Time to put on some makeup and my big girl pants. I have some living to do.