It’s seems like it’s been so long since I posted a proper blog, I don’t know where to start anymore. Yaacov and I are struggling a little with all the sickness stuff. I think we’ve gotten ahead of ourselves in believing I’ll be healed, because instead of focusing on how awesome that part will be, we’re getting ticked off about all the permanent issues cancer is going to do to my life. We definitely need to take a step back and remember that it will be an honor if God chooses to spare me, and if He does that, He will also help us with any repercussions.
I love the holidays. I mean, really love them. My illness doesn’t even put a damper on them, I’m just so glad to have a chance to spend time with family and express and share some of God’s love with those I love. But I’m struggling with the temporal aspect of everything. If this is my last Christmas, will it be good enough as a grand finale? Will showing my love for Christmas now make it harder on my family to enjoy themselves if I’m not around? In movies you see families sitting around dinner tables saying, “Oh, Mom would have loved this”, or whatever. I don’t want anyone to ever say that about me. I want them to just be happy and love things themselves, instead of feeling sad and thinking about someone who isn’t there anymore. I know that sounds weird, but it tortures me.
It’s important to say that I don’t blame God for this death sentence. Instead I have this guilt and fear I can’t get rid of. Everyone says I need to stay positive, fight, do or eat certain thing, whatever. It can be very encouraging in many cases, so don’t stop. But at times like this my mind twists that into the going the other way too. As in, if I die it’s because I wasn’t positive enough, didn’t fight hard enough, did something wrong. It wouldn’t make it true that I caused my own death, but it hurts me to think people think that. And secretly it makes me wonder if they’re right. Maybe if I die it’ll be because I didn’t try enough. Couldn’t figure out how to love my precious children enough to live for them.
Whether or not a person could have beaten death in reality, other people they can. I might have posted about this before, but when my dad’s mom was dying of breast cancer many years ago, someone snuck her a piece of candy. She got caught with it, and the doctors told her that would cause her death. I don’t know if she believed it, but she was already having to leave behind her 10- and 5- year old little boys, and then she was blamed for it. It’s too much. I can’t handle it.
I guess this is why I spent all yesterday repeating, “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble all its own.” Mth 6:34. Today definitely has enough of its own trouble, so I need to stay focused on it. If I’m blessed to survive tomorrow, I will submit myself to the Lord, present my requests, and wait with eager expectation for my miracle. For His Miracle. I have to remember, this is for His Glory, His Purpose. It’s not about me.
Well, I actually wrote the post above, and before I could submit it I lost the internet connection and had to leave to take care of our homeless people. I was still crying when I arrived, and seeing them all lined up waiting for food just ticked me off instead of making me focus on God and His plans. But as I pulled up, this great song I’d never heard came on the radio. I’m ashamed to say I already forgot the lyrics and can’t find them online, but the gist was a complete answer to what I’d just written. Something about, “all you have to do is try, then let Jesus do the rest”. It was such a kind and loving answer from a kind and loving savior. From a savior who already brought me out of the depths of hell and redeemed me so I could spend some time on earth worshiping Him. From a savior who has blessed me with 7 amazing years with my perfect match, who he created just for me. From a savior who allowed me to give birth and raise the funniest, most joyous and wise 4 year old the world has ever seen. From a savior who knit beautiful Naomi in my womb and let her bring me indescribable joy for 8 perfect months. If I believe God did all this for me, why would I believe He would suddenly stop loving me now? More importantly, how could I not trust Him to take care of my perfect family that HE CREATED if by some chance I don’t make it?
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry
heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you.
Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.”