We’re baaaack! We had an amazing vacation. It was much more relaxing than any we had in the past, because we focused on bonding and hanging out instead of doing a lot. My relationship with Naomi had been a little off since weaning her, and we completely got it back this weekend. I am happy to report that when my mom held her earlier today, Naomi looked over at me and cried. Because she wanted her mommy. Needed her mommy. And I need her. We must get through this.
My mom came to town from Michigan a week early because I have my next chemo treatment on Tuesday and need help with the girls. The last treatment really wasn’t bad but I’m preparing for a tough week anyway. Abigail loves when Grandma comes to town so I should be able to rest without feeling too guilty.
Anyway, I think I’ve moved past the denial stage of this ordeal and have accepted that I really have advanced breast cancer. I sort of miss the denial stage. It was more of a roller coaster but the ups were really fun. I’m in a bit of a depression now, even though I am not going to accept the death sentence that comes along with my diagnosis.
God does not like for us to be lukewarm about Him (Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth). But, that’s where I am right now. I don’t want to be, but it’s hard to find motivation to burst at the seams with joy, or even to seethe with anger. I’m just “blah”.
I’m not going to make any more excuses, I’m going to remember amazing things He has done for me, and for all of us. The biggest thing He did lately was to have us get insurance approval for MD Anderson. I can’t express to you how clearly I know it was Him who set up the whole thing. In the past, we would have done tons of research to identify the best center, then worked on getting in, etc. But God set this up 100%. Just shoved the program and all the details at us until we couldn’t help but want to go there. If you’re not a believer you would have a hard time getting past the 100 “coincidences” that lined up for it. Anyway, I wasn’t that worried about the approval (yet), because so little time had passed. When I got the call that we were approved, my whole body started shaking and I could barely speak or breathe. Yaacov and I started screaming and we had a family dance. Abi immediately asked if it meant I wasn’t sick anymore, and I definitely believed the answer was that I won’t be soon. All of this is to say that when I got that call I felt the same joy I would have expected to feel weeks ago when I was falsely told I didn’t have cancer. But both of the times I was misdiagnosed I felt numb instead of relief. I believe God did that to protect me from false hope, whereas this time He allowed it, even gave it as a gift of real hope.
Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I want to look beyond myself so I don’t get wrapped up and stuck in my own depression. I’ve been thinking a lot about Esther lately, and maybe one day I’ll blog about why. But in the meantime, she set a great example for me. God used her for great things, just like He will for me either during this season, or once I’m refined and strong from living through it. In Esther 4:16 she said, “When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” She was braver than I could ever be–she had a choice and risked her life for what she believed in. It wasn’t thrust upon her like my diagnosis. She knowingly and prayerfully broke the law to approach the king, even though she legally should have been put to death for that. She did it anyway, and it happened to work out for her.
Before this cancer mess I never bothered to wonder if I would have made the same choice as Esther. I would have told you I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I would have been wrong. At the very least it would have been an enormous decision. I only think it’s easy now because I know the ending–she lives! But if you really didn’t know you would live, would you risk losing your life to save your people? Your distant relatives? Close family? Who, or what is worth dying for? I have a pretty short list, which I guess is why God didn’t leave it up to me.