I was in a Bible study this morning and the speaker mentioned 2 Thessalonians 3-4, “We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.” She posed the questions, “How has your faith grown lately? What evidence is there that your faith has changed?” My iniitial thought was that my faith has grown a ton and the evidence is all the people who’ve been moved by this situation.
Then God reminded me that none of that is true. I am depending on Him because I HAVE to. I don’t have the luxury of choosing to trust Him or the doctors, because the doctors are telling me they have nothing worth trusting. I mean, I want to trust Him anyway, but I can’t say I definitely would if the situation was different. And the truth of all this ticks me off. Even though I’m physically doing well, I still feel like I’m going through hell. I’m furious at myself that I still can’t get it together. Still haven’t learned what I need to. Still am not the Christian I should be. Not the woman I should be. Not the mother I should be. Or the wife. The chef. Even the housekeeper.
If this journey doesn’t get me where I need, what will it take? I will keep trying no matter what. 2 Thess 3:13, “And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.”
On another note, I’m really excited for tomorrow’s PET scan. No matter the results, it’s in God’s hands and I trust Him fully. But I still can’t wait to see what happens. Thankfully His awesomeness does NOT depend on my awesomeness, and it never will.