I had chemo #7 (third Taxol treatment) Thursday, and have the next one this week. That marked the halfway mark for the 20 total weeks of chemo.
I’m doing better with the fears and other issues, because for the most part I avoid thinking about them. God helps when I do. I’m not going to talk much about them because that makes me think, and so on.
Psalm 34:4 reminds me, “I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
I’m going through an interesting time of life. I’m officially the weakest I’ve ever been–I’m completely exhausted because of all-things cancer/chemo, have some sort of ailment all the time, and am constantly struggling just to get through the day. Obviously I have the ongoing vulnerability aspect from having made the cancer journey so public, but to top it off, I have stopped covering my head which ends up being a public proclamation that I am a weak cancer patient.
The interesting part comes in because despite the resounding weakness, I feel absolutely empowered in every way. It is an entirely novel feeling for me so I struggle with attempts to describe it. However, it affects everything. For one, I have absolutely no shame about being bald. I feel unattractive when I look in a mirror, but when I interact with people I don’t shrink back or hide because of it. I apparently am very approachable now because I am frequently stopped by strangers who want to tell me their own stories of healing. Something about choosing to be an ear for those people makes me feel strong. I’m entirely confident in how I look, feel, what I do and what I say. Not because there’s anything about me to be confident in, but because my faith is stronger and standards have changed. “When I called, you answered me; you ade me bold and stouthearted.” Ps 138:3. It’s SO cool!
Paul discussed some version of this phenomenon in 2 Cor 12:10, but I couldn’t understand it until now. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” It is so true.