Update and Biopsy

There’s sort of a lot going on. I had my seventh Taxol treatment and am still doing well. I figured out that the daily side effects I struggle with (something akin to restless leg syndrome that keeps me from sleeping is the worst) are actually from a steroid I get with my pre-drugs. I feel better knowing that, because sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. For example, I get this weird anxiety/claustrophobia sometimes, especially during the chemo, that takes everything in my power to keep from ripping the needle out of my port and running into the parking lot.

So, five more Taxol treatments. I’ve been praying about electing to have radiation even though Rassam says I don’t need it. I don’t know the answer yet. I will ask more about it Thursday then go from there. Along those lines, I need to have a sentinel node biopsy for insurance purposes. I’m considering going to Gainesville for a better reconstruction than I can have here, and to do that they need to see if I need radiation beforehand. If there is cancer in the node, they will say I need radiation. Even though I might want radiation, I really don’t want the biopsy to show cancer. A sentinel node is the node from which your breast cancer spreads. Supposedly once it has spread from there it doesn’t matter if you remove it because the cancer is already loose in your body. But, I still want the biopsy to show that every cancerous cell has been destroyed (or is just gone). I am waiting for the biopsy date for that, but it’s a minor outpatient surgery that I can have even though I’m still getting chemo. Please help me pray that there isn’t even one cancer cell in my nodes. In fact, I want to pray that they appear as though there has never been any cancer there at all.

“I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him.” Ecc 3:14

I woke up with a tick attached to me today. I normally wouldn’t have been too bothered, but one of the people I’ve been praying for has Lyme disease so now I’m sort of stressed out about it. It is very rare that  a tick bite would result in a problematic disease, so I hate that I’m worried about the exception to the rule. For no reason. I hate that cancer has changed me into one of those people who frets about everything. I’m so disappointed in myself for letting it affect me so much, but I can’t stop. I have already been the exception to the rule multiple times this year, so I can’t tell myself the next time will be different.

But I will try. I will remember what God has done for me. I will trust in the only one who is trustworthy. I will stay close to Him so I can hear His sweet whispers and distinguish between  satantic fears and legitimate concerns. There are no more reasons not to.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.” Prov 3:5

As a follow-up from my last post, giving my testimony went okay but not great. I don’t think I focused on the right things, but the next day I had the opportunity to tell a woman about it during chemo. I normally keep pretty quiet there for many reasons, but she was trying to convince herself that God would heal her. I could hear my voice in hers. She was saying the same things I did–we all do when hoping for a miracle–but she didn’t have the authority behind it to convince anyone she meant business. In case you didn’t know, that’s exactly how I was until just before the PET scan. You know God can do it, but you’ve seen enough bad stuff happen that you can’t explain away. You feel like you just need a promise from Him that the specific healing scriptures are for YOU, on EARTH, not when we’re all restored in heaven. The point is, this woman was across the room, talking to someone else, but I knew all these things about her and couldn’t ignore it. So I shouted all this business across the room to her (through tears, again), with everyone else trying to sleep and whatnot. Hearing His deeds encouraged her so I feel like it was a second chance from the one I kind of messed up the night before.

1 Thess 5:11, “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.”

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