A Better Reminder

Turns out I didn’t need to try too hard to remember God’s awesomeness, so I wanted to share and end on a better note than the semi-depressed one I left earlier. I keep a faded little note in my purse that comforts me, but it’s been there so long now I sometimes forget about it. I noticed it and remembered today though, and feel amazing now.

Soon after my diagnosis an important verse to me was Zephaniah 3:17. That was new to me, it’s not like I read a lot of minor prophets, but I recorded it in my journal. Then, right after the miraculous PET scan results, Yaacov and I went to a coffee shop and the owner gave me a rolled up “blessing”. I guess they have different scriptures on them, and I was expecting something like, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son…” (John 3:16). But what do you know? My little blessing quoted Zephaniah 3:17! The verse itself is comforting, and the way He brought that all back around and described that amazing moment was perfect. He is perfect, and His love is perfect. No matter how ridiculous and unfair the circumstances seem, they all work together for our longterm best interests. It’s just so hard to see because we have no real clue what “longterm” means when it’s involving the afterlife too.

Zeph 3:17, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah was talking about my God. Your God. Our God. He who takes GREAT DELIGHT in you. HE will REJOICE OVER YOU. It does not matter what a piece of crap you’ve been your whole life. It’s not too late. You might be unlovable to everyone you know, but not to Him. He will quiet you with His love. No one deserves this unconditional love. In fact, we all have done something specifically to be UNWORTHY of it. But He loves us in spite of what we’ve done. In spite of who we are.

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Remember

This week we celebrated Naomi’s first birthday, Naomi’s first steps, Yaacov’s birthday, and Easter. It all makes me think back to the past. I can’t help myself. This time last year I was so tired from having a new baby, but there was so much promise for our future. We had all the normal goals and plans that people have. We didn’t even bother praying for our physical health because it was so far from our minds.

Now I’m consumed and preoccupied by health. Or lack thereof. I know God healed my metastases, but I don’t really know what that means. Did He leave the tumor just to make sure I could relate to other people who have to go through all the treatments? Or was it just to show me He’s listening and loves me but I’m still going to die? I will say that’s rhetorical, if I’ve learned anything through this process, it’s His answer to questions like that. If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning you can chant it with me, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today brings enough troubles of its own.” Mth 6:34.

I didn’t have much time to process the BRCA1 (genetic mutation) issue that caused my cancer in the beginning. Unfortunately, I found that time recently. I’ve been trying to figure out whether I can wait a bit before having my ovaries removed, but instead I keep finding bad news about the kind of cancer I have and what my girls will be faced with. All I can do about that is pray they won’t have the gene and that treatments will return by then.

I’m meeting my radiologist Thursday, but if things go as expected I’ll have surgery in 7 weeks, then start radiation after that. I won’t be able to have the immediate reconstruction anymore. It could be up to 2 more years before the reconstruction, which I’m struggling with. Just one week ago I thought I’d be entirely done with cancer treatment in less than a month, so this is another downer. However, at the start of this no one would have promised me a reconstruction because they figured I’d be dead by then. But this is such a whirlwind these are just the things I use to convince myself to be happy. It’s a little harder than I wish.

Anyway, all this ties in to Easter (oh, right, this is one day I shouldn’t be talking about myself!), and the reminder of what I need to do. When the disciples noticed they were out of food to feed people, they started trying to figure out what to do. Didn’t occur to them to go straight to the source. Jesus said, “Why are you discussing that you do not have any bread? Do you not yet understand or comprehend? Is your heart hardened? Do you have eyes, and not see, and do you have ears, and not hear? And DO YOU NOT REMEMBER? When I broke the five loaves for the 5,000, how many baskets full of pieces of bread did you collect?” Mark 8:17-19.

I need to remember. Remember the sacrifice He made 2000 years ago. Remember the healing He did for me 2 months ago. And everything in between. He is the great I AM, who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is unchangeable, unbreakable, slow to anger, loving, and gentle. He is the God I worship and will honor, no matter what the cost.