This week we celebrated Naomi’s first birthday, Naomi’s first steps, Yaacov’s birthday, and Easter. It all makes me think back to the past. I can’t help myself. This time last year I was so tired from having a new baby, but there was so much promise for our future. We had all the normal goals and plans that people have. We didn’t even bother praying for our physical health because it was so far from our minds.
Now I’m consumed and preoccupied by health. Or lack thereof. I know God healed my metastases, but I don’t really know what that means. Did He leave the tumor just to make sure I could relate to other people who have to go through all the treatments? Or was it just to show me He’s listening and loves me but I’m still going to die? I will say that’s rhetorical, if I’ve learned anything through this process, it’s His answer to questions like that. If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning you can chant it with me, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today brings enough troubles of its own.” Mth 6:34.
I didn’t have much time to process the BRCA1 (genetic mutation) issue that caused my cancer in the beginning. Unfortunately, I found that time recently. I’ve been trying to figure out whether I can wait a bit before having my ovaries removed, but instead I keep finding bad news about the kind of cancer I have and what my girls will be faced with. All I can do about that is pray they won’t have the gene and that treatments will return by then.
I’m meeting my radiologist Thursday, but if things go as expected I’ll have surgery in 7 weeks, then start radiation after that. I won’t be able to have the immediate reconstruction anymore. It could be up to 2 more years before the reconstruction, which I’m struggling with. Just one week ago I thought I’d be entirely done with cancer treatment in less than a month, so this is another downer. However, at the start of this no one would have promised me a reconstruction because they figured I’d be dead by then. But this is such a whirlwind these are just the things I use to convince myself to be happy. It’s a little harder than I wish.
Anyway, all this ties in to Easter (oh, right, this is one day I shouldn’t be talking about myself!), and the reminder of what I need to do. When the disciples noticed they were out of food to feed people, they started trying to figure out what to do. Didn’t occur to them to go straight to the source. Jesus said, “Why are you discussing that you do not have any bread? Do you not yet understand or comprehend? Is your heart hardened? Do you have eyes, and not see, and do you have ears, and not hear? And DO YOU NOT REMEMBER? When I broke the five loaves for the 5,000, how many baskets full of pieces of bread did you collect?” Mark 8:17-19.
I need to remember. Remember the sacrifice He made 2000 years ago. Remember the healing He did for me 2 months ago. And everything in between. He is the great I AM, who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is unchangeable, unbreakable, slow to anger, loving, and gentle. He is the God I worship and will honor, no matter what the cost.