I’m hanging on by a thread…I feel like I’m in the middle of a war and can’t help but wonder how I got here. And why did He leave me, alone and defenseless, in the midst of it? Haven’t I been good about praising His name? Isn’t this the time I should be on vacation, recovering from the worst part of the storm? Why has He allowed darkness to overtake my body so that, starting yesterday I look even uglier than before? Why must I struggle so much with the mental and physical side effects of these “life-saving” drugs? Why does my soul refuse to rest when my body aches with exhaustion? I thought I’d been to the bottom, why am I being broken even more? What is left of me to break? When will it stop?
Is this God showing me that I should not have prayed and tried to live, but should have embraced the sweet opportunity for death?
I feel like I’m in a war because I AM in a war. But I am not alone. God promised to never leave or forsake me. Ephesians 6 talks about preparing for this battle, and as a family we studied that a lot over the past year. It is a call to action, and I will do my part. The key for this battle is that we are rarely offensive, the lessons are primarily defensive. But that does not make me a wimpy victim, using a fly swatter to bat uselessly at the roaring lion. I have the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, sandals of peace, shield of faith, and the sword of the spirit (Eph 6:14-17). Most importantly, God is on my side. He is for me. For us. I might not feel Him today, but that is because I have been focusing on me instead of on Him.
I will embrace this opportunity to demonstrate God’s love and speak of His goodness while my outer body wastes away. Hopefully it is only for a season, but either way I must consider these trials to be pure joy. My inner self will never fade, and that is what is important.
“For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may be reveaed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” 2 Cor 4:11-12
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor 4:16-18. I don’t know everything that’s going on with me, but these words are so beautiful. Perfect. True. Amazing. The fact that those words are in the Bible for this time of my life gives me so much comfort and strength. He is not some mean, heartless God storming around, punishing everyone. He is a loving God who is allowing me to go through this so more people can eventually know Him. He considered my soul worthy of saving, then He consiered my body worthy of keeping around, and now He cares enough to refine me through trials. And to use me to ultimately reflect His son! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
“REJOICE in the Lord always, I will say it again, REJOICE! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Phil 4:4-6.