I will have my breasts removed on Friday.
I recently heard mention of how in biblical times people would tear their clothes at the chest as a physical sign to others that their hearts were broken. When I would read that someone did it in the Bible it seemed more like an outward sign than a passionate cry for help. But now I get it. If my mutilated chest wasn’t the exact thing I was trying to hide, I would tear my clothes too.
As it is, I will have tons of gauze and bandages compressing me tightly, as if to hold the pieces of my heart from flowing out. The bad news is that it will take me one more (hopefully, final) step away from the person I was just a year ago. Mentally and physically. If you hadn’t seen me since before cancer you would not recognize me at all, and I will not grasp at straws to claim there is a silver lining to the loss of my physical beauty. The good news is that, after a few tears I have gotten it all back in perspective and I hope to keep it that way. I will (try to) wear my fuzzy head, scars, wrinkles, and drawn-on eyebrows with pride because my God upheld my inner self despite the outer turmoil.
For “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”. Ps 73:26. I would much rather lose my outsides than my insides, and I believe God has done that for me.
Gracious God, Lord of all, I don’t understand all the reasons why I must go through this. But I don’t need to. I recognize you in it, and am covered in your peace. Your love. I feel you. I trust you. I thank you. Psalm 16:5 says, “Lord, YOU have assigned me my portion and my cup; YOU have made my lot secure”. You do these things for me. I will do what you ask of me. For your glory. Your fame. Your honor.
I would appreciate prayer for my upcoming surgery, as well as for the biopsies, tumor markers, and PET/CT scan that I have over the next two weeks. Please pray that everything will accurately show that I have absolutely no cancer anywhere in my body. I am taking it a step further and praying that reports will say there is no evidence of disease, and no evidence that there ever WAS a disease. And pray that Dr. Crooms and the other workers will be well-rested and every single cut and decision they make will be correct and perfect. Also, please pray for a friend from church who is the second woman who prayed for my healing that has since been diagnosed with breast cancer. The first has already been deemed cancer-free since the diagnosis. Many thanks, I love you all!