This is my first bad day since the surgery. I had successfullly stayed in a daze of denial until now. To give you an idea, it is 9:30 am and I am still in bed. Remember, I have children so staying here until 7:30 would have been a luxury. So, the sun was streaming in on me more than usual, and I gingerly stretched and opened my eyes, as if I was to see a beautiful ocean view. Instead, I saw my femininely-painted pink nails, resting on the special mastectomy camisole I slept in. When zipped, the camisole hides my drains and pads my chest, so I almost feel human. But I suppose I unzipped myself for comfort during the night, as my hand was resting comfortably on the zipper, between two enormous sets of hideous scars and staples. The scars look very much like those on Frankenstein’s head, to give you an idea. But they’re bloody and brown, with a rainbow of bruising surrounding them, instead of a pleasant green that he had.

I’m so down today and don’t know how to get through it. I suppose there’s no real way to “give up” now anyway. Even if I opted to kill myself I couldn’t, because I would look like this in my casket.

Alas, I will get through this too. Something good will come of it, right? I must outlive this cancer to know for certain that the generational mutation I have has been broken and my girls will not suffer from it. I can’t tell you how desperately I don’t want them to go through this. The testing is supposed to be a good thing, because there are things they can do to decrease their chances of the cancer. But, don’t you know, the recommendations are that they have prophylactic mastectomies and their ovaries removed as soon as they are done having children. I understand that as the best-case scenario there are worse things, but right now those are the very difficult realities that are nearly breaking me.

By the way, no pathology report yet but last week I don’t think I updated that my tumor markers came back great. A score of 0-40 is for normal people, and mine was 26.5. Amazing!

Romans 5:3-4, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance character; and character, hope.”

Excuse me while I go rejoice…

3 thoughts on “Today

  1. My sweet Erin
    Don't borrow from tomorrow or in this case many years down the road the worry that the devil is throwing your way about your precious girls. They too are God's redeemed possession and He will take care of them when the time comes. Corrie ten Boom told a story about her dad letting her ride the train with him and he never gave her, her ticket until they got to the train and was boarding. So it is with God, He gave you “grace” for this entire trip as you needed it. Today's grace for today, yesterday for yesterdays and He will give you tomorrows when it comes. He told us that “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT”..Each day will get better. Focus on “Thanking, Praising and Worshiping” Him for being so good and so faithful to you. I PROMISE when you look back this will be a blur.
    love you sweet one……keep on keeping on


  2. Dear Erin
    The cross you are bearing is more than most of us could handle, yet you have done it with inspiring strength, faith and resilience. Both your body and mind need time to heal from this surgery so give yourself time ( and a few bad days) to recover.
    You are always in our thoughts and prayers!


  3. 1 Peter 5:10

    New International Version (NIV)

    10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


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