I haven’t blogged in awhile, but fear not–it’s because I just didn’t have anything to say. Believe it or not I’m doing very well.
I’ve struggled a bit with fatigue that was worse than during chemo. I was sleeping 11 and 12 hours some nights, but was still exhausted and kept telling Yaacov I thought something was wrong with me. Next thing you know, I went for a monthly shot I get at Rassam’s and the chemo nurse mistakenly had my blood tested. It came back as dangerously out of order. Everything was off, and the white blood count was very low. Dr. Rassam said it was too delayed to be caused by chemo, so it was either that cancer was suddenly released into my bone marrow, or a mistake at the lab. They took my blood again and it was fine. YAY, God wins again!
I guess the fatigue was just because my body finally released all the stress I was dealing with over the course of cancer. It also happened to get considerably better after the ordeal with my blood. I think Satan used the fatigue to get my mind ansy about my health. It didn’t work, there was no panicking, just a little prayer and letting God take care of business. Deut 31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged.”
The last time I blogged I was on my way to the funeral of a precious, 18-month-old baby girl. I haven’t been to a lot of funerals so can’t compare it well, but it seemed very crowded as so many people wanted to support the family. The poor parents had to stand there in a receiving line for hours and that seems so cruel to me. Everyone there was trying to support them, but how much support can they get from having to stand and be polite to hundreds of people? Isn’t the point of helping people to ease their burdens? They had to be “in charge”, by keeping the line moving, listening and responding to everyone saying the same thing. I would think this would be one time that they shouldn’t have to be responsible for the success of a big event. I suppose one good point of that would be if the busy-ness helped delay dealing with the reality of the situation. I don’t actually know what a solution would be, but I hope people (including myself) can find better ways to encourage them. “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sins deceitfulness.” Heb 13:3
The really cool and encouraging thing someone mentioned during the service was that as soon as they heard about their loss, the parents immediately vowed not to let it break them. I’ve been relatively obsessed with that concept lately, because it’s the same thing I felt with the cancer diagnosis. But I’ve been trying to understand why some people don’t have that desire to fight. For example, Yaacov told me if he’d gotten the Stage 4 diagnosis he would have just accepted it. So, why is that? Is it a personality trait? Is it a desire for those of us destined to survive to fight against all odds, but those set to actually die just don’t have that same fighting desire? Are the fighters in God’s will and the non-fighters aren’t? Nehemiah 4:14, “Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” Obviously an argument can be made for not fighting against our circumtances too, because we live in this world (although we are not OF this world), and we are not to love our lives. So, I’ve been looking up more about the desires of our hearts but still don’t know. The answer always seems to be an individual one, depending on the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Right now I’m waiting on the guidance of the Spirit regarding whether to go through with radiation or not. There are a lot of reasons on both sides and I’m not hearing clearly from the Lord. I need to keep praying about it and will blog soon on all the details.
Thanks to all for all the prayers. The Lord is taking such great care of me. I don’t feel any different than I did before the mastectomy, and my hair and eyebrows are growing back nicely.The radiation therapist today said my scars are some of the nicest she’s seen, which might be helping. Plus, in less than two years (hopefully more like 6 months), I’ll be able to get reconstruction and look better than ever.
“I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.” Ps 31:7-8
**If anyone who is sick or interested in healing lives in Tallahassee, there is a special church service dedicated to healing this Friday at LifePoint church at 7pm. I can forward you more information if you email me.**