So, I never asked it while dealing with the diagnosis or treatments, but now that God has a tiny, insignificant request of me, I find myself a tad depressed, moaning, “Why me?”. It’s embarassing to even type it, but there’s no point in pretending I’m something that I’m not…over the past few weeks God has put it on my heart to stop watching tv. I sort of swept it under the rug with a variety of my own solutions: I tried watching a bit less, not watching for a day or two and only watching while I work out. I thought the issue might go away. It didn’t. Last night, after cutting my Bible time short to watch Netflix, I couldn’t fall asleep for hours. When I did I had nightmares and felt very strongly that I was surrounded by evil. I prayed it away but lost 4 hours of sleep total. Somehow out of that I was quite certain that God had allowed it because He wanted me off tv, so I promised not to watch until He said I could. Today of course, that didn’t make any sense so I watched an episode of Bridezillas. I realize it is a ridiculous show, but I had no other options. Anyway, I tore myself away to listen to a message about Exodus (still studying the Old Testament), and the second I thought, “when this is done I’ll watch one show”, Jon Courson said somehing like, “Your motto should be, ‘there’s no time for leaven [sin], I’m on my way to heaven’. You know, you can’t take communion on Sunday then go home and watch a bunch of junk on tv.”
You can call that a coincidence, but if so it was about the tenth one since I started suspecting He wanted me off tv. That equates to some sort of memo from God reminding me, “No tv. Tv doesn’t feed your soul, I do.” Message received. Finally. I imagine if God wasn’t so perfect and patient, He would be rolling His eyes at me right now.
But….why me? Why does everyone else get to watch tv but me? Why can’t I enjoy some lighthearted entertainment? What does it hurt? As I type this, my husband is in our bedroom playing video games online against his brother. I actually hear them shooting each other. How is that better than my watching an innocent tv show that only shows a few “minor” sins?
As much as I hate to admit it, God’s answers are clear. His motives are clear. I just don’t like them. It is so hard to embrace things we don’t like! I am so wrong to take issue with being asked to sacrifice a miniscule part of my life. For one, I can’t compare myself to other people, I must instead strive to be like God. 2 Cor 10:12, “But in measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves, they lack understanding.”. I have also clarified that I wasn’t watching quality, life-giving television, but I don’t know if that matters. He may just want more of my time, be watching to see how much of my own desires I am willing to give up, or be unpleased with the specific entertainment I was selecting. I don’t know what shows I have access to that are filled with joy and love, and that’s because I don’t seek them out. If God gives me the “okay” to watch things again, maybe I need to pursue those, but I’ll take one step at a time. For now, I have more time to spend pursuing eternal goals and I will embrace that without questioning Him about it.
To the One who saved me from eternal damnation, I am fully devoted. By the One who blessed me with an amazing husband and two perfect children, I remain awestruck. For the One who chose me to display His miraculous power with supernatural healing, I am humbled and grateful. And when am tempted to forget I will remember that “I love the Lord, for He heard my voice. He heard my cry for mercy.” Ps 116:1