Some side effects of miracles…

Abi’s school was closed today. We had a really, really nice day together. Weekends have been so busy that there’s normally no chance to relax, but today we were able to relax and just enjoy hanging out. It makes me feel so much better about everything.

She has been behaving better, so thanks very much for your prayers. God helped a lot and showed me more things I could do to get things consistent again. We’re getting there, but it’s still one day at a time. On the other hand, Naomi is a happy, happy, happy baby almost all the time. She is naughty in an 18-month-old way but our relationship has improved massively over the past few months, and she seems really well-adjusted.

Altogether, things seem sort of…normal now. I know what to expect every day and hardly any of it is bad. I want to like it, but I can’t get comfortable. I have no big problems to consume my thoughts so I just coast through the days without a care in the world, then when I have a bit of time I am overcome with memories from this time last year. I believe I am fully healed, and much of my anxiety has waned in the past few months, but I am still so damaged by it all. I should be happy that I went through all this and got my miracle, but I’m just saddened by it. I’m angry that I will spend every day until I die as a person who might have cancer come back. I am doing my best to cling to the memory of the miracle, and to build my faith in the meantime. But I have yet to come across anyone with a similar miracle who didn’t have any hint of a recurrence. Instead, I have learned the key is to not accept it, and through faith and prayer it usually disappears. Good plan, right? NO! I don’t want that! I don’t want any fear or chance of it returning. That would be a test, and I don’t want anymore tests!

I don’t want to grow, I don’t want to learn, I just want to be happy and healthy forever.

It’s so stupid, but I won’t even pray for certain things anymore because I’m afraid of they way God might answer. If you remember, I was praying intently for someone’s salvation, promising the Lord I would do anything for him to know Him. Right after that I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when he was a kid. I will tell you I believe his lack of accepting the Lord from that was the only failure from my diagnosis and healing. It might have enhanced his belief a bit, but didn’t bring him all the way to Jesus’ loving arms. Do you think I pray the same way for him now? NO WAY. No way. nope. Can’t risk it.

So, there you have it. We’ll call these issues “side effects” of the miracle. I know my mindset is wrong about a lot of things. I need prayer I guess. And faith. Mostly faith. In the meantime, it is back to basics: Get my mind off me and toward God, then everything else will fall into place. “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!”

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

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3 thoughts on “Some side effects of miracles…

  1. I can relate in a small way Erin… we were both healed supernaturally by the power of Jesus Christ… somehow the devil wants us to believe that it's in our hands now… It's been 5 years for me and the cancer has not returned and I know that it never will.. can I say that I never doubt??, no… sadly I cannot… thank God HE has chosen to give me a miracle healing even with my faith as small as a mustard seed. xoxo Mark 11:24
    Please pray for both of us to never doubt

    God bless, Mandy Yoder

    Like

  2. Erin, outside of your children, I think I could post this exact same message. I feel so much of the same way. Thank God for His grace! He knows our hearts and I find peace in that when I doubt or get scared…He knows I KNOW I'm healed and He knows I want to do this right. I am much more careful in my prayers too. Like you said, I need prayer for that too, because I know that isn't the best thing. I used to always pray that God would do whatever He needed to do to bring me closer to Him. Now, it is a little more specific:) Thank you for sharing your heart and know that you have someone far away struggling with the same things, but standing on God's word that we are healed and whole.

    Thank you for your encouraging message before my bone scan. Praise God is was clear. Still needing God's presence and love every minute of every day. Know I pray for you every day.

    Like

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