Have you ever had a day where you had to dry off twice after a shower–once from the water, and the other from the tears that cover you so rapidly you require a second pass with the towel before you can get dressed? This is one of those mornings. I’ve had countless ones like this but they grow farther in between as time passes since my healing.
Someone else we were praying for died. Of cancer. I know, I know, we all die. Oh, and I’m well aware that every day with her was a blessing and the Lord answered many prayers to keep her around so long. And, yes, I do know that heaven is the place we should all want to be. That once we experience heaven we truly will all want to be there and to stay there. Forever. And ever. And ever. (And that believers GET to stay there forever and ever.)
A lot of people come to know and accept Jesus into their lives when someone close to them dies. I wonder why. Is it because He is so much more real to them then, providing His limitless comfort we don’t experience under other circumstances? Or is it because they realize how preposterously powerless they are so maybe it’s time to suck it up and worship the only one who is actually in control? I hope that’s not it, but I struggle at times to tear my mind from bitterness of that sort.
Last week I prayed about how dead I feel inside. I know it’s a spiritual battle, but think it’s also related to all my medications and lack of hormones. Today I see that the Lord can break through such barriers to answer my prayers to really feel something. My ungracious heart cries to Him that I had other prayers I would have preferred for Him to answer. In my flesh I wish I still felt numb and that He healed this woman. That she was alive, dancing and praising the Holy One who healed her.
As I wipe the last of my tears away I turn my heart back and thank this God we serve. He knows that I needed to feel again, to help me care enough to bother loving other people. And best of all, she is dancing for Him forever. She has that limitless joy that we all desire on earth but can never experience here. She is worshiping the One who knows us closer than a brother, who knit us together in our mother’s wombs, who counted and ordered each day we struggled through on earth, who is the only one who knows what is actually best for us and who faithfully provides it.
Romans 14:8, “If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”