I seriously cannot believe I’m publicly blogging all this…this morning I was so overcome by the difficulties of this life I lead that I had to get away. It’s been such a crappy semester, and I’ve been pretty good at clinging to Him in the seemingly deep waters, but the little stuff has been destroying me. For one, Yaacov and I have been falsely accused of ungodly and untrue behavior, and honestly, it’s hard to trust the Lord to take care of that. It’s even harder to convince my heart that waiting on Him for that is the Good approach…and to believe the Good approach is the one that is best for all of us. Plus I found myself homeschooling Abigail for this school year, but our lives are still ordered as a part-time schooling family. I feel constant guilt over giving her less time, and because I value the ministry opportunities in my life over doing math problems. God surely has direction for me, but I can’t hear what He’s calling me to do because I am so busy and depressed. Most of all, I can barely make it through a day because I am miserably unhealthy. I have Gained.So.Much.Weight. I weigh almost 20% more than I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer. More than half that has come on in the last 6 months. The menopause from lack of ovaries is probably the main culprit, plus the anti-cancer medicine I’m on isn’t helping. It’s embarrassing to talk about for so many reasons: I should just eat less and exercise more. I should never have had my ovaries removed and therefore deserve the consequences. I should just be happy God healed me, and shut up about being fat.
In early days of being a Christian I would talk about my tendency to overeat as a sin, and people (wrongly) judged me for it. They didn’t think something that could involve self-control should be focused on when everyone else has real problems. Maybe I was too shallow? Maybe I wasn’t living a holy enough life. These are thoughts that still keep me from blogging or talking about this stuff, especially because many of my readers are struggling with life and death problems. But, that line of thinking is likely to make me isolate myself and hide from the truth–exactly what the enemy wants! I just read this devotion from My Utmost For His Highest and was so encouraged I could not possibly hide the treasure. I’m going to retype it all because it’s so much better than my own words:
From November 22, 1 Cor 10:31, “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, o whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God’
Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow concerns of life are not ordained of God; they are as much of God as the profound. It is not your devotion to God that makes you refuse to be shallow, but your wish to impress other people with the fact that you are not shallow, which is a sure sign that you are a spiritual prig. Be careful of the production of contempt in yourself, it always comes along this line, and causes you to go about as a walking rebuke to other people because they are more shallow than you are. Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a Baby.
To be shallow is not a sign of being wicked, nor is shallowness a sign that there are no deeps: the ocean has a shore. The shallow amenities of life, eating and drinking, walking and talking, are all ordained by God. These are the things in which Our Lord lived. He lived in them as the Son of God, and He said that “the disciple is not above the master.”
Our safeguard is in the shallow things. We have to live the surface common-sense life in a common-sense way; when the deeper things come, God gives them to us apart from the shallow concerns. Never show the deeps to anyone but God. We are so abominably serious, so desperately interested in our own characters, that we refuse to behave like Christians in the shallow concerns of life.
Determinedly take no one seriously but God, and the first person you find you have to leave severely alone as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself.”
Every word in that devotional is so true for me, and I really think there are others who needed to hear it. Just remember, it’s Oswald calling you a “spiritual prig”, not me!