Love is…Suffering

I haven’t blogged much because I’m trying to write a book and spend my limited writing time working on that instead. I was just editing the skimpy bits I do have and ran across this paragraph. It might seem random, but I really, really feel compelled to post it on here. So, this is me posting in faith that it will encourage someone(s). Is it you?

Dr. Rassam assumes we know that stage 4 breast cancer is a death sentence so doesn’t announce it initially or soften the blow. For Yaacov’s sake I have to ask. He confirms that it’s not curable, treatment is just to make me as comfortable as I can be, for as long as possible. Then he tells me 3 potential ways I might die. One involves hospice, which I’ve never heard much about. I could go there to be a burden to someone else while I die. They could prop me up and put makeup on me for the kids to visit after church on Sundays. Then one day, instead of visiting me at hospice, they’ll re-route the car and head to the gravesite. I imagine that one day, after I’ve grown accustomed to functioning with a broken heart, this will sound pleasant to me. It will be a relief to have the freedom to writhe in pain and drool on myself without having to protect the girls from witnessing it. Because they’ll be at home starting life without a burdensome half-dead shell of a being. They’ll have more days spent without me than with me, but the days we have together before hospice will be the good ones. Today I’m still trying to steady myself from feeling perfectly healthy when I learn the countdown to my last day has begun. Today, hospice sounds worse than torture and I tune out from listening to the other ways I might die. My mind wanders to Hezekiah, who prayed that God would extend His life, and God answered that request. I’m not sure if this is oversimplifying things, but it seems like He loves my girls enough to give them a mom for a few extra years. Could faith be that easy? Maybe. I think it’s time to start praying for that instead of reading reviews of local hospices.

Four Years and Counting

thI was healed four years and two days ago. So much has changed because of my diagnosis and miraculous healing, and yet I don’t even think about it that much anymore. I think of the side effects of the surgeries and medicines, but don’t always live like someone who received such an awesome gift.

I have been blessed so much in my life, and even in huge ways since my last post. I really appreciate the prayers and support, I’m glad I shared about the depression and other troubles. The Lord has been so gracious to me that I’m out of the pit and am more aware of His glory than ever. He’s encouraged me with people and circumstances that speak to my Spirit and strengthen my faith.

I should share that since my post many have told me that they need or needed antidepressants after their bodies stopped producing estrogen (for all sorts of reasons). Several were able to wean off the drugs after a few years, and others continue. There’s no shame if you’re doing what God wants you to do, and sometimes He wants us to take medicine. I can definitely relate to more people with all the life and medical experiences I’ve had in the past five years.

More importantly, God is just so good that it’s hard to not scream and shout about Him. He is always there. He knows everything. He answers. He is in control. If we don’t see it or don’t like it, there’s something wrong with our hearts, not His. He is just, He is righteous, He is worthy. He never changes. He always wins.

Philippians 4:4-8, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”