Mothering

So, ever since I started begging the Lord to heal me for the sake of the kids, I’ve struggled to mother them as well as I thought I would. There are a lot of factors, but basically I distanced myself a tiny bit, probably out of fear. And then I started getting angry and stressed that they were in the way of whatever I was “supposed” to be doing. I know, I’m awful. What a hypocrite! I treated Yaacov the same way for awhile. The grand ideas he had were never as extraordinary as my plans, my wisdom, my ways.

Do you presume on the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?

Romans 2:4

Slowly–much slower than I wish–the Lord highlighted my inconsistencies enough for me to take note. He pointed out that my actions and the things I spend time thinking about are not the treasures I think I care about. Something had to change. It was a heart issue that took, and continues to take, focus and self-control to overcome. I’ve gotten better, but the “good” things I was doing still take precedence when I’m not paying attention. And I rarely have a good day of homeschooling Abigail where she learns, we love each other and the Lord, and we laugh. Most days have one of those at best.

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

Romans 8:6

Here’s where I tell you about the massive change that happened today that affected everything. Because I’ve been praying about this and working on it forever, and haven’t improved much. And today I felt “right”, physically, mentally, and spiritually, all at once. It was glorious! Such freedom and joy! Every day should be like today! I want you to know about my Lord, who taught me to fix my eyes on Him. Who deserves every bit of my focus. ¬†And that it really was the best day ever.

All that is true. But still, I haven’t been fixed. It doesn’t mean tomorrow will be just as good as today was. His mercies are new each day, but if I awake on this earth, I’ll still be a sinner. I might yell at the kids before I even crawl out of bed. I might have selfish thoughts before I’ve told one person “Good morning”. That’s awful. My husband doesn’t need a wife like that, whether she’s physically healthy or not. Abi and Naomi don’t need a mother like that. The Lord God Almighty does not need a servant like that. But…they’ve got me! And the God of hope chose me to be His adopted daughter, more precious than jewels.

 

He sent me His beloved Son, about this time a few thousand years ago, as a sacrifice for the sins I will commit tomorrow. And I will remember His blood as it washes me clean. Then maybe, just maybe, He will give me another chance the next day to try again.

One day I’ll finally be like Him. Until then, He’ll help me be a slightly better me. A slightly better mother, a slightly better wife.

 

 

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