Well, I’m back. The Lord keeps prompting me to start blogging again, but I’ve been very hesitant. Even though the reasons seem shallow, in reality I think they are founded in fear. And I didn’t go through all the terrifying aspects of terminal cancer (and an almost-as-terrifying recovery from all that) to cower in fear now!
The Lord has been so good to me that I *try* not to complain so much. Who am I to moan and groan about the problems I have now that the Lord chose to heal me? But the reality is that He also chose to use trials to continue to refine me while I’m on earth, and it’s kind of disgusting to overlook that. No matter how hard things get, it’s an honor to behold our God, who chooses to make me more like Him.
I do struggle with a lot of health issues now, and I know countless others are in the same boat. My metabolism was already in limbo before cancer, but adding that to thyroid issues and surgical menopause, I gained approximately 1 zillion pounds, and it seemed like only a miracle could get it off. In fact, I struggle with it so much that I’ve spent tons of time in prayer trying to figure out if the Lord even wanted me to lose some of it. He showed me how having more fat on my body increases my chances of growing more breast cancer. How cancer cells feed on sugar. How my joint pain can decrease with less pressure pounding on them.
So for me, being more physically fit was definitely a goal, with vanity being a lower priority. But most importantly, the whole trial has helped me understand how each pound keeps me farther from Him. Layer by layer, He has revealed many sins in my heart that were maintaining the problem. There’s the pride of wanting to be in control, rather than trusting in Him. The self-righteousness to think I should be able to set my own standards for all this and get what I want. The fear of man that convinces me to follow other people’s plans instead of Him. The love of comfort that sends me to snack in front of the tv instead of working out. These might sound simple to repent of, but they reveal my very dingy heart, and represent my ongoing sin struggles.
But God…He has shown me how He uses my weaknesses for His glory. He is helping me to trust Him, and to persevere. Patience has been a huge one, too. When I focus on Him and on stewarding my body well, He gets me healthier. As soon as my eyes wander to the scale, or I start envying how easy it is for other people, I sink into despair.
Sound familiar? In Matthew 14:28-33, Jesus was walking on the water, and Peter begged Him to call him to walk toward him in the same fashion. “So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid”. As soon as Peter saw that wind, he wigged out then started to sink.
When I get scared, I often grasp for control and comfort. In this case, I was afraid of never succeeding, and at some point I would run toward my idolatrous comforts, perpetuating the cycle.
But the Lord is slow to anger, quick to forgive. No matter how many times I sink, and slink, away from what He has called me to do, He is patient. It is my flawed, human mind that assumes He is sick of my issues. Like Peter, the sinking isn’t the end of the story. When Peter cried out, “Lord, save me,” Jesus immediately rescued him. He does that for the rest of us also.
Jesus asked Peter, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”. That doesn’t mean He was angry, or that Jesus kind of wanted to toss Peter back out of the boat. It’s a legitimate question–why do we doubt? When we get off track but return to Him, He will help. He always has. And one day, we will doubt that a little less.