Secret Identity

Have I mentioned this adoption thing is hard? Other than living with the terminal cancer diagnosis, this is the hardest season of our lives. There are a lot of great things about it, and Teddy is amazing, but that doesn’t make it easier.

Every morning I am aware of my need for new mercies and strength. By the time I drop the girls off at school and race toward whatever obligation awaits, I’ve forgotten my own weaknesses and blamed everyone but myself for the plethora of hardships that have mounted.

Before we started the process of adoption I was imperfect, but there was so much less evidence of it! Other than last weekend when I slept nonstop so wasn’t around people, there hasn’t been one conversation where I don’t regret at least one thing I said…or at least thought.

I hate being a sinner! I hate the reality that no matter how hard I try, I don’t get any better! I hate that I backslide into a deeper mudput than the one I finally got out of, and I hate the hopelessness of recognizing how deep I’m in it! Most of all, I hate that true Love introduced us to the most precious little boy to complete our family, and I’m spending time being frustrated about his whining rather than understanding what he’s asking for.

But with all this reality, this isn’t a bad news kind of day. This is a new morning! I’ve read two books on identity lately, and they were great but still left me missing it. Today’s devotional in “Morning and Evening” by Spurgeon (revised by Begg) explained it all:

”Yes, we are indeed the conquered captives of His omnipotent love. As those chosen, who have been purchased and subdued, we know that the rights of our divine possessor are inalienable: we rejoice that we can never be our own; and we desire, day by day, to do his will and to declare His glory.”

We do? WE DO! That’s me! That is my heart’s desire, I just am not living it out. I’m living like a cast off, trying to scramble to the inner circle. But I’m already in! Deuteronomy 32:9 assures is, “But the Lord’s portion is His people”. I’m not the gum on the bottom of His shoe, I’m His portion. And if you choose to follow Him, so are you! Let’s live in that dignity.

On this new morning instead of asking for just forgiveness and strength, I praise the Lord for making me important to Him. He made me royalty and invited me to raise others with the same birth rights, so that is the reality I’ll pass on to them today. I’ll still be a sinner saved by grace, but maybe the gratitude from that will consume me more than my flesh today.

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