I just saw someone who is dying of cancer. I don’t know how much longer she has. I do know she’s worn out from fighting, trying, and just surviving. I know she might be content with death at this point, but would probably prefer to be completely healed and have many more healthy, painfree years with her children. I know the longer we fight this disease the less we expect to overcome it. And I know that the longer people see us fighting it, the less it matters to them. The less they pray for miracles and expect them to occur. The more they accept that it’s our time to go. And most of all, I know: That Sucks.
I always knew God had big reasons for allowing me to go through this storm. I may never know the full extent of purposes, and I don’t really care anymore. But, there’s one that He’s been blaring at me for days now so I need to share.
I had my second Taxol treatment yesterday and it went better than the first. I didn’t get sick or fall asleep. I was so prepared to pass out that I barely brought anything to do, so it was really boring. Fortunately, there were big things on my mind so there was plenty to pray about.
After posting about love the other day, it became abundantly clear that I am worse at it than I had realized while blogging. Several things came up that required my being loving toward other people. I actually did do some good things, but was slightly missing the mark. For example, I barely slowed down while passing a broken-down car. Afterward I did realize what I’d done and turned around, but barely and with hesitation. I am so glad I did, but I know it would please God much more if it had been immediate. I should have put my hazard lights on the second I noticed it, not debated the pros and cons for a quarter mile before stopping. Matthew 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me’.”
I’m slowly coming to realize that my head is a pretty good Christian. When given a scenario to contemplate I can give relatively good advice about how to proceed. And in the midst of something huge like “terminal cancer” I can at least follow the basic tenets of my faith. However, that stuff isn’t typical life. In day-to-day, minute-by-minute life I struggle. ALWAYS! I backslide more than grow, take the wimpy way out more than not, and “forget” the lessons I’ve been taught. My goal is to be fluent in all things God from now on. I was reminded in a Bible study the other day that Paul talks about living life on earth as a race. I need to pick up the pace. Not because other people are passing me–too often we think of where we’re at in reference to others. But because that’s what I’m called to do. If I say I am a follower of Christ I can’t pick and choose when to apply the principles of the Bible. I can’t make up my own rules because they make me fit in better with other people or help me get more done in a day. He says show love, so I will show love to the nice people as well as that really annoying person holding up the grocery store checkout line. He says be patient so I will not give Abigail a guilt trip because she is making us late. He says “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect” (Mth 5:48), so that’s what I’ll strive for. No excuses. No vacations.
2 Cor 4:6-7, “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”